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 oooby

introduction

Everything gets Strange when we look at it closely enough. Few things are completely as we expect according to our internal model, and the smaller our focus gets the Stranger the subject of our focus can become. Same with hugely going (cosmology) big but few of us ever do that. Science keeps explaining Strangeness and the Strangeness gets pushed a bit furhter back or a bit deeper, but it's still there, and of course it just gets Stranger and Stranger the more we regulate what we can perceive, what we can't perceive becomes a little bit more a departure from the expected. Most of us though look at things in the microcosm at times, or study something closely enough, intensely enough, to see the Strangess at the edges, to see how it departs from what we expect, or, at times, even what science expects.

Big science and small science always departs from any kind of seemingly rational and stable explanation. Quantum theory is either a fudge made for the sake of science or it's just too weird to talk about in polite society - many people have destroyed careers just trying to talk about Quantum weirdness. Douglas Adams is right though, when we see or experience something Strange (capital s - a higher order of strangeness than the usual strange) we just don't talk about it, many will consciously make the effort to forget it and if they can't do that they'll pretend they forgot it.

People carry Strange things with them and can get very angry when someone is so impolite and inconsiderate to bring it up in their presence. Have you noticed how upset people get when you try to talk about ghosts, UFOs or even 'Paul is Dead' in any kind of serious way? People are flippant, then they insult you, then they get really angry when they realise they have no arguments that can refute you with. So they just say "science!" which is the modern waving a cross at the supernatural or scary weirdness to make it go away.

Increasingly we are as a species realising how fake the universe we live in actually is. On several levels in fact. Firstly the only grip we have on any kind of "reality" (which is a completely undefinable world) so I can't use it with any kind of exactness except we all usually know what we mean when we say it - and except that we don't all mean the same thing by any means which more or less rules out any kind of sensible (another meaningless word) discussion that can lead anywhere. Philosophy, while yielding useful and interesting ideas along the way is essentially a futile exercise because we are completely in the dark with no independent data whatsoever. We exist in a model our brain makes for us. There are a few sets of inputs, people describe the 5 senses though there are more, of light waves, sound waves, pressure from touch, the chemical (or quantum) sensation of smell and the (??) sensation of taste. And taste is mostly smell anyway. So we construct a whole reality from our boot-up data which we inherit (hardwired, structures in the brain and wider nervous system that force us to analyse the data we receive in a certain way and help us build and maintain our model).

As we go on I'm going to make some assumptions/ definitions, and here's one:

1. science - is the methodology we call science that works to an extent and is pretty great if you like technology and understand certain aspects of what we call reality.
2. Science, capital S, the religion and what probably most people think is science, but it isn't.

But this isn't a philosphy book, or a book about the occult, or conspiracy theory, this is my biography, and I've experienced weird shit in my time and I want to talk about it.

transitioning: stage 2

a history of transphobic abuse

I moved in to my current address in 2014. It was a month after I transtioned and three months before I started HRT and therefore was still essentially a male bodied person at that point. But I was living as a woman and doing my best to pass, which is not very well.

A note here to point out that before the NHS prescribes hormones it tells trans women they must live as a woman for a period of a year or two years. If I had followed the recommended approach I’d have been living like that for two years before I was finally prescribed hormones by my GP in January this year.

I was noticed almost immediately. There was – and still is – a gang of young men on our estate – I think the membership is fluid though around 3 or 4 have been core to the group from the start.

I live in a house that is part of a block of houses and shops – a row of shops below and a row of mainsonettes along the top – entrance either side of the block via communal doors and a balcony along the top.

me in early 2014

Below the house next door to us is a passage way that goes under, and makes up part of a path that runs from top to bottom of the estate. For as long as I can remember this under passage has been used by young people to gather and socialise, sometimes disruptively and sometimes not. But either way it has been extremely intimidating for me to have to run the gauntlet of gangs of young people who pretty much without exception were going to make a big deal of my trans status.

It was here that I was first outed as a “geezer” – it was frightening – they were shouting derogatory terms at me – laughing – and jumping around in a way that I thought was menacing.

After that word spread – I don’t know to this day who knows and who doesn’t but I assume its everyone.

I didn’t have a car so there was a long walk to the supermarket and pretty much every other facility or service I needed to access. I couldn’t often wait for a bus because gangs would congregate around the bus stop and if they saw me I’d be abused.

So I walked a lot between home and the high street. A pretty isolated route that runs along side woods and a field. And after dark it was especially frightening. Buses weren;t much better quite often when I managed to use them as there’d be young people onboard who were from my estate and who clearly knew all about me. Funny how no one over 30 really cared though.

Gangs also gathered at the shop near the high street so I had to endure similar abuse up there. I remember the first time I walked through such a group near my house and passed. It was such a relief!!

This situation was made worse because for some reason large groups of kids would gather in the area outside my home where there is a general shop and an area of grass. On sunny weekend evenings in 2014 it became something that happened every weekend and I was effectively trapped in my home. Not even able to go out onto my balcony with receiving abuse.

I called the police through 2014 quite a few times but using 101. Police would turn up an hour later, the kjids would disperse as the police arrived. If it was a specific abuse event I would give descriptions as best I could.

But escalation began and my house was briefuly targeted with objects thrown at the house – and I think but can’t prove that some of them would hang around specifically waiting for me.

I also believe but cant prove that when Rich arrived in 2015 they specifically targeted him but hadn’t realised how big he was. Since then they’ve been harassing us at a low level – refusing to back their car up one time – threatening us to move – when clearly it was much easier for them to have moved for us. Eventually the stand off ended but they came around again and threw a plastic bottle full of liquid at Rich as we were getting out of the car.

Usually they just stand around and stare at us, or occasionally gesture at us. I believe its all an attempt to make me feel unsafe in my own neighbourhood.

I’ve had obscene logos drawn on my car. Tyres have been let down.

The most recent attack was just last month when they all decided to attack me verbally using offensive language. It’s been quiet since then – the police said they would have a word. Which implies they know exactly who it is but won’t act.

In 2015 we did get the police to pursue a prosecution but it was dropped by the CPS. That time it was a specific event of one of them abusing me verbally and then walking to his house. From that they were able to identify him. But we had no prosecutions.

Even last weekend I noticed that someone was glaring at me aggressively when I was out. But you can’t prove any of it. It helps create a permanent environment of fear for me. I won’t go out by myself in the evenings at all.

I think the police have failed to act because

·       There is no CCTV in the area

·       The men who have been attacking me are connected to organised crime and considered violent and dangerous – and so no one else will act against them.

·       There was no LGBT liaison officer and no proper, coherent support for victims or follow up after crimes were reported.

·       I once had the operator refuse to accept that what I was reporting was a crime

·       Police attendance times can be up to an hour and the kids just scatter at the slightest sign of police turning up.

·       Despite stating clearly that I won’t pick up a phone unless I recognise the number – for fairly obvious reasons – the police always call back using anonymous numbers and usually don’t leave messages. Where they have left a number the number turned out to be dead. On one occasion the officer I needed to speak to seemed to be permanently unavailable.

·       The police organisation seems to have no memory – so every case is treated as a new event instead of the continuation of a long standing campaign of harassment.

·       I’m reluctant to call now as I quite often get persistently misgendered by the police despite telling them I am a woman.

2015 onwards

Life didn't get any easier, but i was better able to cope with the trials to come.

I thinkin hindsight i cansay most of my problemscame from being very visible as a trans woman, together with residue from my old life not going away or reshaping itself to accomodate the real me, and of course, autism, dyspraxia and ADHD all having an impact.

The world doesn't want trans people to take control of their own lives - they will tolerate us to an extent but only to the point where we start to impact on their assumptions and prejudices and then they kick back.

A lot happened after 2015. My friends who had supported me since i came out decided to up and leave, and it wasn't exactly pleasant. But we're friends again so I need to let all that go.

Rich arrived and I became half of a couple again. I became almost famous for 15 minutes and it was shit. But the fall-out was worse because it nearly cost me my job and my mental health.

With Rich here i was suddenly struggling with money again, but I'd managed to pull things back at work for the moment. In 2015 my X started sending me abusive letters again demanding i give her my home, and divorce proceedings began; 2016 saw my mum get ill and die, then i fell out with my surviving family, then in 2017 i was reported to my employer as being a 'threat to women' and 'bringing my employer into disrepute', was suspended from work, had to go back onto anti anxiety medication. Upon sorting that out My employer forced us all to re-apply for our jobs. Got through that and the divorce came to a head  - and it was the other end of the spectrum from friendly. Finally in 2019 - divorce is over, i have a job and i managed to retain the majority of the house, but my job is back at risk. It goes on for ever. but at least having to pretend I'm a man is not longer one of my problems.

2016 work do

stinkpipes