my twenties

My twenties….

Haresden – J and M – and Ben. I met a few interesting characters at this house. There was – who in my head has morphed into Matt Johnson. He was a bit of a lad – the stolen goods. I felt very submissive in his presence. Maybe he was a bit of a bully.

I found more feelings that I never knew about. I loved the times I spent with J and M and Ben. Even though I found both women attractive I wasn’t motivated by sex. I was motivated by wanting female company and just needed that really.

I seemed so desperate for a gf and then to settle down with a woman. I rushed into marriage. I think it was so I could shake off those feelings. Remember going a couple of weeks without wanting to dress as a girl and I thought that I might be cured.

The bag of clothes in Clapham – dressing in house at Brixton Hill

I was really scared at this point as I felt I was building – constructing – a male identity for myself. Things were falling into place and I felt that I had left all that peculiar business behind.

Well – no.

Monday 6^th August 1990 (?)

Felt wrecked at work. It was a case, yet again, of trying to appear busy when I obviously wasn’t. I put the test equipment from Queen’s Park away; XXXX phoned. I rang her back. It was as she had never sent me that very short letter last Wednesday. 

I said I’d go up the weekend after next and the weekend after that as well, I can afford it.

For lunch I ate in the canteen with Woody. Shah joined us. I was overcharged by about 30p which is a lot to me. In the afternoon I did nothing. Apart from XXXX’s phone call. 

Told YYYY about the weekend. She’s moved into the flat now. I arranged to see her at 9.00 this evening. Warned her that I was pretty tired. Andy came and told me to put equipment away and I had to get off the phone. At 4.25 I packed my bag and left. 

Listened to Elvis Costello on the Walkman. Spike. Walked to Paddington Station. Posted my two letters. Got a train to Waterloo. Went to Evans bike shop to pick up my wheel. The girl who served me was tall, blonde; a strange accent. I thought she might have been American, and then Aussie. But a lot of the time she sounded English, middle class. Probably a traveller. 

I got my wheel back and realised I didn’t have my cheque card. Used my staff pass for ID. Walked back to Waterloo. I felt horny today. I was looking at every half decent girl/woman around me. Felt almost out of control. 

Got a train to to stockwell and walked home. At home Is was in the kitchen. We talked about last night when Danny from Jamaica was there. He smoked all Is’s blow apparently. Is had had enough at 12.00 and went off to bed. I told her that she had a blank, vacant expression on her face at that point. Put on Cocteau Twin’s “C---lands” to tape. Cooked sausage rolls. Someone came to look round house – in view of buying it. He was a yuppie – and not impressed. Simon came in. I got my bike together, after eating about 10 sausage rolls and went out for a ½ hour ride to Dulwich, Peckham. When I got back drank some bitter – listened to Lennon’s Lost Tapes 1&2. Is and Lee were impressed – asked to borrow it. Taped Durutti Column’s Vini Reilly. Showered. Got ready and left to meet YYYY at 5 past 9. She was wearing tee shirt and jeans. The first time these jeans could fit her she said. We went out to buy Chinese take away and lager. Took it home and ate. Lisa was not impressed but I enjoyed it. Duck and prawns. Banana fritters. Pancake rolls. YYYY liked the banana fritters and the pancake rolls. I liked the whole lot. We looked through my photos and went to bed at 11.50. We undressed – or rather YYYY undressed me and then herself. 

++++++++ censored personal stuff ++++++++++++

Although I kept waking up in the night for unknown reasons.

marriage

I came out to my first wife after we seperated. I bought clothes for first time and was able to spend time developing a look – my clothes buying was a bit unfocussed. I’d say like a young girl who wants over feminine – princessy clothes. I remember my sister being really keen to wear her long skirts at every occasion – long skirts were for posh.

That’s when I got fairly careless

But my journey had begin. 'She' began to come out of me - or I him. 

I never felt the need to name that part of me. It never really felt like a different person – though I see some trans women talk about becoming a different person when they dress, this is not my experience. One explanation might be that I never became very masculine to overcompensate for my feminine side. So that split never happened in me.

When a new girlfriend came along I had to put that stuff away again in case I got caught. I did wear a sarong though and I bought a computer which put me in touch with other trans people. 

Sam - colleague I came out to.