S was particulary aggressive towards me on that holiday - savaging me in front of my friend - having an outsider with me had always been protection but no longer. She kep-t me away from the bedroom she and K slept in as if I was a threat and was ultra aggressive the whole trip - picking me up for minor mistakes making me scared to say anything so the small mistakes bcame much bigger issues.
When I brought up the idea of us eating because everywhere would shut soon she kept shutting me down - but then when she decided we needed to eat the restaurants and shops were shutting and we could only get a place that sold nasty greasy American style food. This was my fault. I don't know why. We drove back with me under the most enormous cloud getting it in the er all the time, scared of what would, could happen. She stopped short of actual violence and she couldn't stop me from entering Keith's house though I'm sure she would have shut me out if I could. Of course the only person who didn't eat that night was me. I refused the food from the greasy place because i knew what the repurcussions of that would be - and Keith had nothing. So I went hungry while also being the bad guy.
Funnily enough years later S was to refer to this as a really nice day we had out as a family. She couldn't remember her behaviour at all. Genuinely. I didn't remind her. Let it be past.
The restaurant thing came up agin in Wales when I tried to get us to somewhere where we could eat she wasn';t interested. she wanted to go to Lincoln Cathedral though which we didn't have time for - and there was no longer any food option (Sunday) and also the place we were staying had a strict curfew and we had no key so I fell foul of S who eventually found some food for herself but I didn't eat that day. Next day it was like nothing had happened and I thought the world had ended. this was a familair pattern by now and I was sick of it.
But in 2006 I got to go to spain without S and so I could do my own thing without feeling threatened or being gaslighted into self hating.
I got a car and drove around without maps. I deliberately got myself lost so i could could get unlost again later in an enjoyable way.
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| Trevelez |
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| Cordoba |
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| Cordoba |
I was introduced to Ketih's friends - I ate tappas, I drank, I didn't give a fuck and I enjoyed myself.
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| l look happy |
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| just above Malaga |
I had a mini break within my holiday where I camped near Orgiva and had a look round there - as long as my back could stand sleeping on the bed roll, which wasn't long. Also, the supposedly fantastic bar that did great tapas, open on the first night, was never open again. So I struggled a bit with food. Can't remember what I did. Must have gone to shops I spose.
One day I took the road to Cáñar and went up beyond it.
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| Cáñar |
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| Orgiva in foreground - looking south |
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| looking up - not much up left |
I started to worry about how well the car was faring on the steep roads. It was starting to get a bit slippy. Was worried it would lose traction and I'd end up falling backwards, which would be very bad.
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| this did not inspire confidence |
The next day I went even higher, but this time on foot.
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